With A Bang!

It's a tradition we observe during these times when one year is ending and another one is about to start. It's a loud send-off to a year gone by, and a merry welcome to a new year ahead of us. The fireworks, the noise, the merry-making - they're all part of this tradition during New Year's.

But a few days before New Year's Eve, on a relatively peaceful post-Christmas evening, only the sound of little kids playing along the streets could be heard. It was still Christmas vacation time. And it only meant that kids had the license to stay out and play without the worries of finishing up their homeworks and assignments for the following schoolday. You could hear it in their abandoned laughter, their shrieking shouts of joy as they play, and the careless stomps of their flip-flops as they run around jauntily.

Suddenly, a loud BANG came shattering the peaceful noise of the night. The innocent merry-making of kids suddenly stopped. Something happened. The shattering noise was quite distinct. The sound of metal crashing against metal. It was a loud, abrupt, booming crash.

Tatay, who just drove to our place to fetch Mom, rushed outside to check on the source of the noise. Mom, who immediately had an idea as to what caused it, followed him.

In front of our gates, the image of Tatay's Pajero smashed on its front end by the long passenger rear of Mr. A's jeepney was already being gawked at by the kids who were playing just a while back. I can just imagine Tatay's reaction upon seeing the scene.

What was supposed to be just a few minutes of fetching Mom from our house stretched into a protracted discussion and negotiation on how to resolve the mess. Obviously, Tatay's vehicle, which was just innocently parked outside, was the aggrieved victim in this case.

But shit happens.

PUJ vs. PAJ. Is there a more apt word, either English or Tagalog, to describe our situation other than the word "lugi"?

This wasn't exactly Tatay's idea of ending the year with a bang.

Beautiful People

Walking around the Greenbelt 3 promenade was quite an experience for me and my wife. Since neither of us works in the Makati Business District anymore, it becomes very seldom that we visit the place. We usually just go there to shop for particular items that can only be found there. Or maybe just to try out new restaurants.

I do not intend to offend those people hanging out in the Ortigas area (Shangri-La not included) but I feel that Makati people are a lot more chic and fashionably smarter. "Beautiful people" as my wife and I would say.

Like this cute pair that was walking ahead of us by the open coffeeshop area at ground level. Guy was dressed in black slacks and black coat, with hair tossed to an I-just-got-up-from-bed-and-I'm-too-lazy-to-wash-my-hair-or-even-comb-it look. His partner was a micro-mini-skirt-wearing, glittery-tube-top-hugging, hair-dressed-for-a-wild-night-of-partying-which-would-ultimately-lead-to-sex-with-some-random-guy, long-torsoed, and even longer-legged mannequin. The two were straight from the glossy pages of those magazines my wife reads in our comfort room (that I sometimes have no choice but to also read if my own reading materials run out).

The two, obviously, were part of some kind of a show or event. They were a bit too dressed up to blend in with the crowd. Yes, even for the Greenbelt 3 crowd.

Approaching the escalator, the two were just a few steps away from us. And as we boarded the escalator, my wife and I unwillingly caught a glimpse of how long the legs of that girl in front of us was. Gosh, how tall is she, I thought. Are you Japeth Aguilar's sister? I wanted to ask.

On the opposite side of the escalator, another group of mannequins boarded the downward steps. They must be from the same group, I thought, because they were also fully dressed and totally made up. And true enough, the mannequins going down greeted Mr. Pretty Boy and Ms. Long-Legs as they passed by each other on the escalator.

"Why are you up?" one of the mannequins asked almost to a shout.

My wife and I, as if choreographed, turned towards each other. Did I hear it right? Both of us wanted to ask the other.

We don't remember anymore how the pair ahead of us responded to the question. We were dumbfounded enough with what the girl asked. Why are you up? Obviously, the girl wanted to ask the two why they were on their way up. But, geez, it was not even a complex English sentence!

Why? Are? You? Up?

Being the mean SOB's that we are, as my wife and I approached the top of the escalator, she asked me loud enough for the couple ahead of us to hear, "Ikaw? Why are you up, ha?"

And we broke into a laughter.

We don't pretend to be like the beautiful people roaming around GB3. Though I can guarantee you that my wife's fashion sense can match that of any Makati fashionista's. But please, even if you are lucky enough to belong to that beautiful people group, bear in mind that it's perfectly okay to speak Tagalog. Really. You are in the Philippines anyway. Or else, feel the wrath of people like me and my wife who will ridicule you in trying to sound like someone you are not.

Christmas Menu

This year, we decided to stay away from the usual dishes being prepared for Christmas. There were no spaghetti, ham, chicken, or queso de bola from our Noche Buena menu. But for sure, it was equally special nonetheless.

Scrumptiously Sinful Seafood. A blissful mix of fresh shrimps, crabs, and mussels in a rich blend of sweet and chilli sauce. This seafood dish, especially with those delightful crabs, is best eaten using your bare hands.

Loco for Luscious Liempo. Marinated overnight in a specially prepared seasoning, these choice cuts of pork liempo are grilled to perfection by our grill master. Dip it in my wife's secretly prepared magic sauce and prepare yourself to taste the explosion of flavors in your mouth.

Savory Steamed Shrimp. A very plain dish requiring the simplest of preparations. The secret lies in the freshness of the seafood being prepared.

Chef's Choice Chicken Salad. Indulge yourselves in a labor of love by my Mom. Simply delicious, you wouldn't mind eating the same stuff day after day, even after Christmas day.

Sweet Multiple Orgasm. The finale for every meal is the best part, especially for my wife. And since this is the Christmas meal, it deserves to have an overload of dessert. Your choice of fruit salad, buko pandan, cookies, crinkles, grapes, persimmons, ponkans, and mini-ponkans (with a name that sounds like kitkat).

Just writing it made my mouth watery all over again. Makes me wish it was Noche Buena again tonight.

I'm sure my wife wishes the same coz she didn't really enjoy the food that night. Of all the days in the year that she would suffer from an extreme case of colds (making her taste buds practically useless), why did it have to fall on Christmas eve? Tsk, tsk, tsk...

Bye Bye, Bruce

In a few days, Bruce shall be boarding a plane bound for India. It isn't exactly what he planned to do all this time. After a wonderful career here in the Philippines, decorated with various awards to have him claim the top recognition in his class, fate would lead him to a place far, far away from home.

It seems so ruthless for his bestfriend and constant companion to let this happen. His bestfriend would let him go for the price of USD 7,000. In a way, his bestfriend owns him, and so would have the right to sell him for any price. Business is business. Emotional investments shouldn't get in the way of these transactions.

Business is business. 7,000 US dollars. Everything has a price.

Bruce is the Philippine champion bulldog. He has the various dogshow awards to back it up. And various satisfied clients will attest to his top billing as a champion bulldog stag. Now, someone from India wants his bloodline. And that someone is willing to pay 7,000 US dollars - the price of a decent second-hand car - just to have him. Amazing!

And Bruce, the lucky bastard, will continue humping his way halfway around the world.

An Open Letter to Santa

Dear Santa Dude,

I was like thinking when was the last time you made regalo to me on Christmas time. And dude, I realized that it was like so long ago na, pare. It's like more than twenty freakin' years na kaya!

Kaya now, I'm like composing this wishlist of things I'd like to ask from you, Santa dude. You've got so many utang na to me ha. I'm really hoping and praying you won't disappoint me this year. I've been a real good boy all these years naman, daba? So, I think it's only fair na you give me some reward or whatever konswelo de bobo I deserve.

First on my list is a DSLR camera. Preferably Canon siguro since it's the brand I'm quite satisfied with. You know this digicam thingy that I am using right now? It's kinda jurassic na kaya. Can you please give me a DSLR camera with a complete set of lenses? Para when I'm like watching the UAAP games next year at courtside, di naman nakakahiya na point-and-shoot cam lang yung kini-click ko, 'no!

Secondly, can I ask for a new set of wheels? No, not the kotse type of wheels, Santa dude. I know medyo strained din naman ang budget mo with all these economic crisis shit that hit all of us. I'd like to hingi sana the recreational type of toys for the big boys. I have a barkada who's selling those ATV's kase. And I found out that they're so cool, pare. So kaka-aliw to use when I'm just like making gala here around the village. I can even make sagasa all those askals in the other street without worrying about falling down since four wheels nga sya, daba?

Next on my list are two new Technics 1210 turntables. You know, where you play those plaka thingies of the eighties? I have been contemplating on going old school kase with my DJ gig. Nothing beats the feel of vinyl, pare. And since humiling na rin ako sa 'yo ng turntables, why not throw in a brand new Behringer mixer kaya? Those would really be so uber-kewl during parties. As in!

And lastly, like the rest of the text-crazy, masang Pinoy, I'd like to ask for a brand new cellphone. So squatter my cellphone na kase. You know those new cellphone models coming out every week? I still think nothing compares to the Nokia 9500 I've been drooling over for the past few months. Eng-eng kasi yang si James eh. Sabi ko kasi sa kanya, I'll just buy the 9500 one of the Greenhills tenants gave to him as a gift. Tamaan ba naman ng delicadeza, the moron! Ayun, he chose to make soli the 9500. Sayang, I could have made him uto to sell it to me at a very cheap price. Sayang talaga! Obobs!

Yun na lang muna, Santa dude. Di naman siguro over yang hinihiling ko sa yo considering that you made me snob for more than two decades. Kaya mo yan, dude. I'll just wait for those gifts ha. And thanks in advance, pare.

Merry Christmas, Santa dude!

Hoping and Waiting,
Kulotski

PS: We don't have chimneys here in the Philippines. So there's no way you can slide down one if yun ang trip mo. DHL or Fedex mo na lang, dude. Mas easy pa.

Chivalry and Gucci

The Christmas shopping rush is running on its homestretch. I'm pretty sure that a lot of you shall be out these coming days to battle it out with the rest of the shopping public. Here's a reminder to the guys who will be accompanying their wives or girlfriends who are shopping; whether it be in Greenhills, or Divisoria, or Rustan's, or at your local malls.

Carrying your wife's or GF's handbag or shoulder bag is just plain UNCOOL!

I've seen it a million times - guys trying their version of chilvalry by carrying their ladies' shoulder bags when shopping. If you think you are helping revive chivalry by carrying your lady's Gucci bag, think again. Chivalry is defined as the qualities idealized by knighthood, such as bravery, courtesy, honor, and gallantry toward women. I doubt if a knight would want to be caught dead carrying a shoulder bag.

Picture yourself, tagging along your lady, in public, carrying her handbag or shoulder bag. Looks chivalrous to you? Looks gay to me.

My wife and I just stare at each other everytime we see such a scene. I'm lucky I have a wife who understands such things. She even promised me that never would she ask me to carry her shoulder bag for her. We both understand that it's perfectly okay to help a lady carry the shopping bags during a marathon shopping spree at the mall. That - is chivalrous.

But you know those bags which she contemplates on every morning as to which would fit her outfit? Those are personal girly stuff you have no right meddling with.

So, for the girls out there with clueless husbands or boyfriends, do them a favor. Do not let them carry your handbags or shoulder bags. Just hand them the shopping bags instead. That way, they'll feel useful being able to help you carry those heavy stuff.

Chivalry is not yet dead. But I don't think he wants to go shopping with Gucci.

Wrong Number

Coming from the comfort room, I had to run to be able to answer the phone which was ringing.

"Hello," I greeted.

"Hello. Pwede ho bang makausap si Bing?" the female voice from the other end asked.

"I'm sorry. Pero wala pong Bing na nakatira dito," I politely informed her.

She hung up.

About three seconds later, the phone rang again. Most probably it was the same caller trying out the same wrong number hoping to get a different result, I thought.

"Hello," I greeted with the same tone of voice.

"Hello. Pwede ho kay Bing?" Yup, it was her again alright.

"Bing? Anong number ho ba ang tinatawagan nyo?" I asked.

"655-40**," she answered.

"Ito nga po yung number na yon. Pero wala pong Bing dito," I politely informed her.

"Pwede ho kay Bing?" she asked again.

Didn't she hear what I said?

"Wala nga hong Bing na nakatira dito," I informed her for the nth time.

"Pero ito po ba yung 655-40**?" she clarified.

Is this conversation actually leading to anywhere?

"Oho, ito nga ho yung 655-40**. At wala hong Bing dito," I replied, patience thinning by the second.

"Ganun? Pareho kayo ng number?" she answered in a rather surprised manner.

Hayup! Gusto pa yata sisihin ang PLDT at pagbintangang nagbigay ng dalawang magkaparehong phone number. I swear, I 've never heard of such a clincher before.

I held my breath for about a second. Mixed reactions filled my thoughts. My mind was racing to choose from any of the possible bitchy or sarcastic repartees that were available to me. But I still chose to hold back.

"Mali lang ho siguro yung number na naibigay sa inyo," I just told her.

"Ahh... sorry ho," she apologized before hanging up the phone.

As I put down the phone's receiver, I was dreading that a few seconds after, it would ring again.

Thank God it did not.

Philippine Blog Awards

"And for our next award tonight, we shall now give out the Pinoy Blogger of the Year Award," one of the presentors, John Knight, announces.

"Exciting na talaga itong awards na ito, John. Pati ako kinakabahan na," Kuya Germs ad-libs.

It’s the Philippine Blog Awards. From 667 entries, it was trimmed down to 110 blogsites. Then, further cut down to 52 finalists. And tonight, the top three finalists for each category are being recognized.

"And the nominees are…"

"Sean for lengthofwords.blogspot.com." Camera 1 focuses on Sean seated on the front row.

"Sol for teachersol.blog-city.com." A video feed of teacher Sol live from Washington DC appears on the giant screen on stage.

"And last but not the least, kulotski for kulotology.blogspot.com." Cameramen search for kulotski from the crowd. His seat is vacated. Where could he be?

Inside one of the cubicles of the men’s room, kulotski can barely hear what is going on on-stage. Face contorted, hands clasped, as if in a very deep prayer, he concentrates. Damn, diarrhea strikes again. And what a timing!

"Nandyan lang siguro sa tabi-tabi yang si kulotski. Magpapakita rin mamaya yon. Naaalala ko pa nga yan nung bumisita sa Master Showman yan nung pino-promote itong blog nya," Kuya Germs stretches, hoping to buy some time for kulotski to appear.

But no luck. The awards presentation must go on.

"And the winner of the Pinoy Blogger of the Year Award is…" John Knight pauses as the canned drumroll blares out from the speakers.

"Sean for lengthofwords.blogspot.com!"

Crowd applauds as Sean takes centerstage to deliver his thank you speech.

Inside the men’s room, kulotski can vaguely hear what Sean is saying on the mic. But the feeling of relief has finally dawned on him. Relief that all of this is finally over.

(Fiction)

Shop-All-You-Can

Imagine this.

One of the owners of the Greenhills Shopping Complex is your godfather. And as a Christmas treat, he asks you to go around the Greenhills Tiangge area on a weekend and choose all items that you fancy. Anything and everything that you like. Just get them and you don’t have to pay for anything. Your ninong will gladly take care of it.

I can just imagine how my wife would react to such an arrangement. I bet she would have had multiple orgasms just thinking about it. She would probably need two, no, make that three assistants, to help her carry all the clothes, shoes, accessories and home furnishings she would pick up from the different shops.

But my wife isn’t so lucky. She doesn’t have a ninong who is like that.

You know who’s the lucky bastard who received such a treat? It’s AJ, my dear three-year-old nephew.

Well, firstly, it wasn't one of his ninongs who offered him such a gift. It was his Tito James. And James isn’t exactly an Ortigas who owns Greenhills. But it comes quite close. James is an officer with the Greenhills Shopping Center. And he is a god among the tiangge tenants.

So last weekend, Tito James asked AJ to get whatever toy, clothes, shoes and all other stuff that he likes that can be seen at the various tiangge stalls. James would take care of the payment of whatever AJ gets.

Various stall owners were even offering expensive toys, shoes and clothes to AJ. But AJ turned them down. No, he didn’t like those stuff, especially the clothes. His lola owns a shirt factory, why would he care to have some more clothes?

After a few minutes of roaming around the different shops, AJ was ready to go home. Face was gleaming with happiness as he held in his two hands his prized steals – a yoyo and a plastic balloon set.

A kid’s happiness, truly, cannot be bought with expensive gifts.

Hectic

Five consecutive days. Wednesday thru Sunday.

Four SEA Games tennis matches watched live at the Rizal Memorial Tennis Center. Riza eventually won the gold in the mixed doubles with Eric Taino.

Three birthday parties of three good friends. I missed one celebration due to schedule conflict though.

Two baptisms to which my wife is a sponsor of. And the list of godchildren just keeps on getting longer.

One late afternoon wedding. It was our first time to attend one at the Fernwood Gardens – a truly beautiful place.

If I haven’t been able to update my blog lately, those are the reasons why. A very hectic past few days for me and my wife. And we haven’t even started on the Twelve Days of Chistmas.

And the partridge in the pear tree? Being considered as a finalist for the Blogger of the Year Award by the Philippine Blog Awards.

Yah, baby!